Tag Archives: sex-positive

Now Let’s Talk About Abstinence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID_N7rv-iN8So, Ada, I’m not done talking about sex! When I was writing about Flanagan’s piece, I started thinking about a recent article by Jessica Grose, with whom—disclaimer—we are both friendly. In an article entitled “Sex-Positive Women Reconsider Abstinence.” Jessica chalks some of twenty-something women’s new interest in not having sex to their cycling through sexual rebellion and regret more quickly than past generations, partly thanks to their sex lives being publicly chronicled via the internet.

I think this emphasis on abstinence is concerning. I think girls not having sex in high school or college or whenever it is that they don’t want to is totally cool. For all my early and intense sexual experimentation, I didn’t actually have sex until college (for a variety of reasons—including that I was afraid that I was totally sure I was going to get pregnant and totally sure that I would never get out of my shitty town). But I hate the idea of abstinence being A Thing, something girls declare about themselves a la “I’m abstinent!” Deciding whether or not to have sex seems like it should be more of a fluid, case-by-case, moment-by-moment thing, and not something that gets bound up in an identity or even a politics. Because that was another thing we talked about today: how damaging the 90s identity politics witch hunts could be.

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Remember the Sex Awards Show We Went To?


Exactly what you think is about to happen happened.

So, Kara, you and I went to the Fleshbot Sex Awards on Wednesday night (because Time Out NY kindly asked me to) and we had many 90s-womanish thoughts.

I wrote most of my observations on the event down for TONY, but I think there’s lots more to say about the whole “third wave feminists are sex-positive/slutty/getting duped by men to act porno-sexy when they should be getting a PhD” thing that I feel has been the major analysis of Gen-X smut in recent years.

I’ve always hated that argument, but I also didn’t really enjoy the kind of “sexiness” that’s on display at the Box. Something about that Cinemax-sexy posturing makes me kind of ill. Do people really find it hot? It seems so pre-internet.

Remember when that naked porn star Belladonna was deep-throating the dildo and dancing around kind of absent-mindedly and we were like, “She seems like she’s having more fun than the black-lingerie-clad girls who were making out with each other earlier and seemed so bored . . . or does she just seem high?”

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